Today is the anniversary of the death my dear friend Cheyenne.
It is the third anniversary.
Today I feel ok.
When she passed, I was spun into a world of despair… The sadness I thought would pass in a few days. It went on for over two years.
A sadness that was so bad I could not function or communicate as I once had.
This wasn’t the first time I was sad, so sad I could die… But it was the worst. So bad I can’t recall anything in actual color from the couple of years I sat and was sad.
The sadness set off a chain of psychological events that I barely survived.
I’m glad I have a few who love and support me… That support helped me want… That want helped me ask for help.
I’m glad I asked for help.
The young me is confused by the influence Cheyenne had over me… The young me might laugh at the old me, “it’s a fucking dog, get over it.”
How could I have been so cold to others before Cheyennes touch?
The old me knows how many ways Cheyenne saved my life.
How many ways love saved my life.
Without Cheyenne and the lessons she’d give me day to day, everyday… Well, I’d be a lessor person than I am today.
As I awake and I cry and I wish…
I think of how much has changed since you left Cheyenne.
I think about burying you and planting a pear tree atop your grave.
I think about how that tree was cruelly and thoughtlessly chopped down.
Most likely because of how hard our pack love and lived.
And they should be jealous of the love we all shared.
It was rare as those steaks you stole from me.
You damn girl, you’d never let me alone, you’d always help me understand…
Just how little anyone but us mattered.
Just how little life without love can be…
And how large it is with.
I’m forever in your debt.
Today, I feel stronger than I was when you left.
I feel different… I wouldn’t say stronger, but wise… Like an old man who has a few lessons to pass on… Your lessons. The lessons of a large life of love and frolic… Of loyalty to those you love and turning your back to those that ain’t our kind… The kind to be kind. The kind not to be fucked with.